Ruminations on a Mind

THE Word

2009-03-04T20:44:00.000-08:00

A word oft heard amongst family and friend.
Said at the beginning of life and at the end.

A word used often enough,
It is used for play, soft and rough.

A word that is lost and never found.
An island ringed by hope, but forever bound.

Many relationships came and went,
Still the word was never sent.

Time makes me jaded now,
As I drift off to sleep and wonder how.

What Do I Do?

2009-02-22T18:06:00.000-08:00

I am in so much pain
And don't know how to make it right again.

Don't know whether to scream or cry
Its not really a choice, but would rather die.

My heart hurts...

I miss her and don't know why. We have never met, just talked on the phone. Why is it always a woman that pushes me over the edge? This hasn't happened to me in a long time. I just don't know how to get better, except to live on.

I Wonder

2007-10-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

I wonder what I have done.
You say that its bad timing.
You comment on my email,
You've even sent me an IM.

Yet you never talk to me.
You shared your promotion,
Dropped by to say hello,
Even as I try to move on.

I sit at home confused.
There has been no solid break.
Any contact that I have made
Goes unanswered by you.

This one way street will kill me.
I can still see you standing
Over me and smell your scent
Whenever I am on the couch.

My heart is trying to heal.
But then I get word from you
And I am crushed again.
When will this turmoil end?

I wonder if I can feel
Something that is positive,
Rather that pain and anger
That is surrounding me now.

I wanted a friend in this,
But what is the situation
As it stands here today?
This I know, I still feel hurt.

Continuation from ROWY

2006-02-11T20:53:00.000-08:00

This curse of mine does not ever seem to fade. I chalk this up to the "off season", but I know that I am only kidding myself. Will this ever end, while I am sane enough to know? My heart swells with joy at the misery brought to the surface. While, at the same time a terrible crushing feeling fills my chest. Some nights, like this, I feel that I am going mad. Right to the precipice of my sanity, right to the edge of my pain.

I dream the verse of masters long since dead. That ring with words written in my own voice. I see the images that they have construed and that I now see, but can not adequately define those thoughts to the page.

So, I limp along using only those words that convey a meaning to me. It is conveyed in the following poem. But, will you, the reader, see what I see? How can you really? Not knowing what I know, experienced that which I have, lived with demons that I have wrought.

My slumber awaits. I am hoping to see these images no more this night. To escape in folly.

The...

2006-02-11T20:36:00.000-08:00

The web is cast.
The prey approach.
The spider sits.
The meal to sate.

The monster lurks.
The dead heart pumps.
The lust consumes.
The anticipation fierce.

The innocence is dashed.
The pain ensues.
The life is lost.
The darkness creeps.

The path is sewn.
The mind contemplates.
The vampiric soul.
The zombies rise.

Life is found.
Life is lost.

Both

2006-01-17T03:38:00.000-08:00

There is no rest,
For now there are two.
One in my world,
One in another.

They are still dreams.
What could be,
What will never be.

One I see nearly every day,
The other sees what I write.

Confusion clouds my thoughts.

Blood in the Water

2005-11-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

There's blood in the water,
The heart's all a flutter.
There's blood in the water
And the future seems better.

There's blood in the water.
The frenzy has begun in the fish.
There's blood in the water,
The predator roams for a meal, a wish.

There's blood in the water
And it will cover the sands.
There's blood in the water
Dripping from my face and staining my hands.

There's blood in the water
And the prey do not know.
There's blood in the water,
Allowing the ecstasy to flow.

There's blood in the water.
A little nudge this way and that.
There's blood in the water,
And my meal gets fat.

There's blood in the water
To set up my season.
There's blood in the water
By a promise, a reason.

There is blood
And it is good.

14 November 2005

Blue

2005-10-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

The air is getting cooler, my dear
I see your eyes and know their fear.
Put your head on my shoulder
I'll hold you while the pain grows bolder.

Just a memory, from my past.
That holds my thoughts, but disappears as fast.
I dreamt a dream that you are here
to wake alone and shed a tear.

Again, you creep into my life
with that smile, you stab the knife
That rents my heart, my bone, my marrow
To stalk away to cause more sorrow.

Why can't my mind forget the pain,
Or not see you in the bed we lain,
Or not lose your scent from before?
Why did you ever come knock on my door?

Why do I write this poem to you
And go to bed alone and blue?

10.18.2005

My Hates of Life

2005-09-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

I hate this feeling of being blue
I hate the world and everyone,
Of being alone, and couples, too.
I hate the laughter and the fun.

I hate that my friends are far away.
I hate not going out to the clubs,
Have no one to talk to on this day.
I hate the hotties with Man or Hubs.

I hate to see the kids all around.
I hate the thought that I won't have my own
Kids to play with, a wife, love abound.
I hate that you do, down to the bone.

I hate that I have never heard the phrase,
"I love you" except from family or close friends.

09.03.2005

Explanation Needed?

2004-10-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

After several emails, it seems that an explanation of the poems is necessary. All of the women that are described in these poems were given fair warning, "If you do x, then y will happen." I even gave these people a short story to emphasize the seriousness of my convictions.
The story goes like this: I was dating a woman and had this to say, '"One of the things that I truly dispise are hickeys. Where I am from, a hickey is a sign of ownership. I am not owned by you or any other person. So, don't try to give me one. If you do, then you will not like the result." As things got going, she made the first attempt. I pushed her away and said, "This is your first warning. Don't do that." We started the action again and fifteen minutes later, she made the second attempt. This time, when I pushed her away, I said, "If you do that again, I will punch you in the face. Do not try me." On her third attempt, I clocked her in the nose and told her to get the fuck out. This is the one and only time that I have ever hit a woman. Don't let yourself be the second.'
For each of these women in the poems, I told this story. I also told them that if you cross this line, then this will be the result. Everytime, they had to cross the line. The result is found in the poems.

Just a Game

2004-10-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

What is love, is it just a game?
Use love for sex, the male view;
Sex for love, what women do.
Poor and rich, no one and the fame.

Have used this ploy, three times this year.
For me, the game is the hunt,
Stalk the prey, the prize cunt.
Look back the road, guilty fear.

The first this year, way to easy.
This was a fox down in six,
Just wingman and dinner mix,
A one night stand, just too cheesy.

The second was a tennis pro.
But alas, the kill first night.
Limp along, relations might
Sate the beast, need new blood, grow.

The next was one, an L.E.O.
Again, the first night a kill.
This one, no gazelle, no thrill.
Walked away, left taint though.

Stalk in the summer, search for food.
The game is leaving the pool
And now, is starting to cool.
Hibernation is now my mood.

I keep a wary eye around.
Seeing blood flock by my den,
Biding my time to begin
The next game, the thrill to abound.

I hunt you now from the depths of my mind,
Dreaming of summer and the games next time.

10.21.04

You of Me?

2004-10-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

It is a terrible thing to be in pain
Body, mind, and soul.
Emptiness is a path to destruction,
Left numb by the weight and roll.
I come not here to preach,
Nor look for pity in man,
But dream of deliverance and joy,
That is somehow in the plan.

Here I lay in darkness and heat
Longing, searching for a one.
Alas, I am the one, alone here again,
Where fear rules, 'till done.
Ghosts of those who are long past,
Creep silently through mind's door.
While phantoms of those yet to come,
Float upward through dirt and floor.

This soul is dead and dark.
Crushed in loss, lost by fight.
When life is gone from this shell
And hurt resides in the light.
The trail is gone by years of unuse,
Overgrown by age and loss.
Now I wander from place to place,
Ruining the thickets ans moss.

Again, I dream of thee.
Do you ever dream of me?

07.12.99

Celestial Bodies

2004-10-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

For now I'm dark as is the sky
Your light is gone and here I cry
I'm blind to the world from above
I'm new and old without you, Dove.

Your sun rises and then it sets.
Earth blocks my view from space we met.
Warmth is gone, I miss your light,
For I am not me; all is night.

To once more bask in your red hair,
Might save my soul and problems there.
You're in my dreams each night to see,
I long for you to set me free.

But we were young and did not know,
That fate would change our cosmic flow.

03.06.99

Smell of Hate

2004-10-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

The hate in my heart is bound to kill
My heart, my soul any way it will.
Look for the threat wherever I am.
Murder those lost ones, the cursed and damned.

No one around to hear of my pain
Drown in the quiet of pouring rain.
Bleak is the one when always alone
Cry out for steak and given the bone.

Sit in the dark, contimplate life.
Struggle with answers of death and stryfe.
Death has been tried, yet always near.
Finding a way to end it, my fear.

To hunt for the fight is now the goal.
The rage and hate starts the ball to roll.
Just the smell of blood, brings out the beast.
Weep in cool, dark chaos, join the feast.

Alone with my spirits, questions rise.
What owns my soul and will win the prize?

06.24.98

Reunion

2004-10-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

What is fate and how do I see
How others percive the sight of me?
Cursed to be always alone
Solo or in group, through my life to roam.

My looks are evil, this to scare
Those to taint and the good to beware.
This dark side shadows the light
That shrouds the values the values to which I hold tight.

Violence is life, never peace.
Wars go on only through death to cease.
Drown in fragrance of pure blood
To mourn lost innocents, I once would.

Fear is the game from which I grew.
Took out with the weak, each day anew.
Always the victim, while young.
Too afraid to stand up for each blow stung.

But soon I will return to those
Who fueled my hate and turned up their nose.
Calm is the tool, death the goal.
Vengeance is mine, when they fall through dark hole.

A stare, a look drives some quite mad.
Joy for me when their face turns so sad.
Dominate emotions race.
I love fucking with one's personal space.

I have been called many dark things.
For the pain of others, my heart sings.
Each day my mark shows the past:
Almost lost my life, run from hurt so fast.

The day will dawn soon in black soot.
Knee to groin, crush trachea with foot.
I wish I could give this pain
To those who inflicted me with this reign.

8.01.98

Roaming Around Foggy

2004-10-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

A silent mist roams the night
Dredging up fear veiled in stark white.
All around the monsters walk free,
Shown by their shiny eyes of green.

Alone, at home I write this tale.
Listening to the souls that wail.
Down within a screamer is I,
Lost to the world, under black sky.

Thoughts of women I've known in life
Plays havoc; never ending strife.
I have become my lost evil:
A liar, a cheat; dark devil.

My past temptations play with fate
A kiss, a fuck, just can't wait.
Emotions for those I know not,
Devoid for those when bed is hot.

Laid so often, but where is she
That will love my demons; all of me.
How can I care for another,
When life is all sex, no other.

My faith has been changed by the past.
No longer zealous, just the fast.
I can see God in everything,
But church won't hear me sing.

Friends have found religion anew.
While I have strayed, to bid adieu
To those who seek that lost ideal,
To judge for myself what is real.

Philosophy of life calls me now.
What do I beleve, to whom bow.
Allegiance to living being,
To follow heart and blind seeing.

Mind wanders with topics to tell.
But those eyes delve into my shell.
Again they are green, but do not shine.
Hammer my soul, yet won't be mine.

How do I proceed with this pain?
Deep inside, does the fog remain.
Clouding heart and fueling lust.
Dreams of lies and mouth of dust.

Calls of ice reach my life again
To heed the smell in bright lit den.
I cry out to see my new friends,
The long flat blade brings tears to end.

Can I cajole pleasure to those
Who only see home down their nose?
I have failed to bring this to some,
To end up on my blades numb.

The creatures are here and I am one.
Digging through life the mind is done
Trying to find the answers here.
Just killing spirit built from fear.

Alone, the mist floats through my mind.
Whether I'm an asshole or kind,
It does not matter, and I am cold.
Roaming around foggy and old.

11.15.97

Dream Djinn

2004-10-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

Dream of life on All Hallows Eve,
Hides dark bod in blue silk deceive.
Tramp I am told, but who am I
To question one's life, eye for eye.

This wraith has been in dreams of mine
Since we were introduced back in time.
What is the chance to see her now,
Hiding my pain in guise of Crow.

Long I've searched for evil equal
To my dark heart, first, no sequel.
Hers different, but still the same.
Eyes offering blackness, in name.

Cruel Fate, please show me this Djinn.
Let the black burst forth from within.

10.31.97

Lies in Promises

2004-10-20T14:47:00.000-07:00

My heart is broken from my Hyde
Haunts the space where my soul resides.
This creature has killed, lost a friend,
Another tale of grief begins.

Innocence walks in deep water,
Drown in sorrow for night's pleasure.
Five hours destroy three longing years.
Cry together burning tears.

Yet fate has dealt such strange irony,
Our friendship has grown immensely.
The sexual tension is gone.
Traveling the time, souls as one.

8.23.97

Funny, but the person that I wrote about in this poem left the area. Our friendship deteriorated after that. She finally returned to the area, while I moved on.

Mirror in Black

2004-10-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

Relections hide in dark mirrors
Banish light souls, black is clearer.
Must be dead to kill another.
Cast no shadow, hear no other.

Giddy with fear, pain searing flesh;
Soulless assassin gives last wish.
Who is dead first, killer or killed?
Barking in cold chaos, be so thrilled.

Stalking the prey through empty night.
Who hunts me in the darkness blight?
Take my body, the soul is gone.
Black is the heart, when the song is done.

There are no mirrors in my room
To see the killer, pain and gloom.
Pictures are worse than I can bear,
Permanent image, those who dare.

Climbers are evil, I am more:
Rape the innocent, kill the poor.
Taint the pure with deft tongue and hand,
Plant the remains in soiled land.

Those who seek it will always find
Easy death for the weak and blind.
Strong in mind, the body too weak
To murder reflections I seek.

8.13.97

Sleeper

2004-10-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

Down in a dark and twisted mind
I struggle for joy, truth to find.
All around black bears roam
Deep in the valley I call home.

I shake from fear and mourn for death,
Blackness surrounds, I gasp for breath,
Falling into another hole.
Tears well up, down my face to roll.

Lonliness is but a factor.
Reaping my soul, life's cruel tractor.
Kick the habit, another found.
Tricks of the past churn up my ground.

Ice cold pain fills an empty chest.
Bring up skeletons, long at rest.
Laughter screams out of quests so dire,
A banshee howl ringed of blue fire.

A once proud man becomes a shell,
Fight the demons of my own hell.
The Sleeper cries out, "End it all!",
But never again will I fall.

Women try to cure these foul ills:
A hug, a peck, darkness give chills.
Alone in my heart; broken sphere.
Run and hide from evil here.

Got laid again, but still the same.
Alone, eventhough she remain.
Sleep comes slowly, darkness creeps in,
Grief present, where does joy begin?

Should I not feel spiritual bliss
After a quest such as this?
Why do I cry in hope profound,
To see only empty around.

Hear music of sorrow and pain,
Bleed out false hopes, just in vain.
Happiness is a memory,
Ten hours of facade is easy.

Round and round, the dark whirlpool flows
Drowning my spirit in gray snows.
Quiet the night in grim disappear,
Pull of the Sleeper so unrare.

7.4.97-7.5.97

Grandpa, Allen McIntosh

2004-10-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

This poem is a tribute to my grandfather, who died on October 24, 1996. I read this poem to the assembled congregation at his funeral. God Bless you Grandpa, you will be missed.

How do I describe a man
Who was old when I was born,
Yet just a mere eight years older,
Than my Pop is right now?

These I'll always remember:
Of his left middle finger,
New olives in the cure bin
And the broom that followed it,

Cute little bunnies in cages
To see the dinner slaughter.
His old light blue pick-up truck,
Putter always by his side.

What knowledge is lost to us
Now that yo are dead and gone?
I am glad that I saw you
Before time took you away.

Grandpa, I loved you so much,
Never will I forget you.

10.26.96

Introduction

2004-10-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my Blog. The following posts are from a collection of poems that I have written. The idea behind my poetry is to get myself out of whatever funk that currently occupies my mind. This is a technique that a therapist suggested to me back in high school. I have sent a few of these to contests and would be interested to hear any comments. The first ten poems were written in the past, from 1996 through 2000.